When "Being Good" Got Me Beat
Listen, I’m not proud of everything. But here’s what I learned after I failed so hard it made my old crew laugh.
Last month, Mateo – one of our toughest kids, been coming to the program for six months – got into a fight over a stolen phone. He was screaming, fists up, and I was supposed to be the calm one. The mentor. I’d been preaching "cool under pressure" for years. So I stepped in, voice steady: "Easy, man. We handle this."
Then he yelled, "You ain’t nothin’! You was just like me!" And just like that, the old me – the one who’d spent 15 years in the streets thinking respect came from being the loudest – snapped. I grabbed his arm, shook him, and barked, "You think I don’t know what you are?!"
Silence. Then Mateo just walked away. Didn’t say a word. Left the program that week. And I sat there, sweating, realizing I’d just done exactly what I’d spent a decade trying to unlearn. I’d been "good" for show, but under pressure? I’d fallen back to my default: violence, anger, the need to prove I was still the boss.
The aftermath? Worse than I thought. The other kids saw it. They whispered. "He’s just like them." The trust I’d built? Gone. I called Mateo’s mom that night. She didn’t yell. Just said, "He’s scared now. You scared him."
But here’s what I learned: Being good under pressure isn’t about not feeling the old rage. It’s about knowing it’s there, and choosing not to let it drive you. I thought I’d mastered it. I was wrong. It’s not a switch you flip. It’s the work you do when no one’s watching – the times you don’t yell when you want to, the times you breathe when you want to punch.
I failed Mateo. I failed the program. But I didn’t fail the lesson. The next time a kid gets loud? I’ll stand there, shaky, and say, "I’m trying. Let’s talk." Not "I’m the boss." Because being good isn’t about never falling. It’s about getting up when you do.
— Francisco Meyer, walking a different path