Core Values

Core Values: The Quiet Compass That Guides Us Home

In the quiet rooms of hospice, where the air hummed with both sorrow and profound peace, I learned something that reshaped my understanding of life: core values aren’t abstract ideals—they’re the quiet, steady rhythm of a life truly lived. They’re not the loud declarations we make on paper, but the unspoken choices we make when no one is watching, when the world feels heavy, and when we’re simply being. I sat with over a thousand people in their final days, and what they taught me wasn’t about dying—it was about how to live with intention, even when the path is shrouded in fog. Here’s what I’ve learned: your values are your internal compass, not a checklist. They’re the gentle hand that guides you back to yourself when you’ve wandered far from your center. It’s okay to not be okay. What if we just… sat with that for a moment?

What Core Values Really Are (Beyond the Buzzwords)

We often mistake core values for a list of virtues we should aspire to—like a Pinterest board of "perfect lives." But in hospice, I saw how people lived their values, not just named them. A man named Arthur, dying of lung cancer, didn’t say, "I value integrity." He simply refused to lie to his grandchildren about his pain, saying, "I’m tired, but I’m here. That’s the truth." His integrity wasn’t a word—it was the choice to be real, even when it hurt.

Core values are not about grand gestures. They’re the small, steady choices that shape your days: - Choosing to listen fully when your partner shares a hard day (not scrolling through your phone). - Taking a moment to breathe before reacting in anger. - Saying "I’m sorry" without waiting for permission.

They’re the quiet space between the noise of life where you remember who you are. As one woman, Eleanor, whispered to me as she held her husband’s hand, "I’ve spent my life chasing freedom, but I only found it when I stopped running from the pain." Her value wasn’t "freedom" as a concept—it was presence, the choice to be fully here, even in grief.

Common Misconception to Avoid: > "My values should match society’s expectations." > Reality: Your values are yours. A nurse might value "service," but a dying man I knew valued "silence" more—because he needed space to process his own fears without being "fixed." Your compass points inward, not outward.

The Heart of the Matter: 15 Values Deepened with Hospice Wisdom

Let’s explore these values not as labels, but as living truths, drawn from the quiet wisdom of those I sat with.

Integrity: The Courage to Be Real

Hospice Insight: "Integrity isn’t about never failing—it’s about facing your failures without hiding." Story: A woman named Maria, dying of heart failure, confessed to her daughter, "I was never honest with you about my regrets." She’d spent years pretending she was "fine" while hiding her grief over a lost relationship. In her final weeks, she chose to say, "I was scared. I made mistakes. And I’m sorry." Her integrity wasn’t perfect—it was real. Actionable Step: When you feel shame about a mistake, ask: "What would I say to a friend who made this choice?" Then say it to yourself.

Resilience: Not Bouncing Back, But Learning to Bend

Hospice Insight: "Resilience isn’t about being unbreakable—it’s about knowing you can be broken and still be whole." Story: Tom, a veteran with terminal cancer, couldn’t "bounce back" from his pain. Instead, he learned to bend. He’d say, "This hurts. I’m not okay. But I’m still here." He’d sit with his daughter in silence, holding her hand, not trying to fix her tears. That was his resilience. Common Mistake: Rushing to "get over" grief. Instead: "What if I just let this hurt be here for a moment?"

Community: Not Just Belonging, But Being Belonged To

Hospice Insight: "Community isn’t about being part of a group—it’s about feeling seen in your brokenness." Story: A group of neighbors in a small town gathered around a dying man named Ben. They didn’t bring food or platitudes. They sat in silence with him, holding his hand as he whispered, "I’m not alone." That was community. Actionable Step: Reach out to one person this week with a simple, "I’m thinking of you." No agenda. Just presence.

Sustainability: Tending the Garden of Your Life

Hospice Insight: "Sustainability isn’t about saving the planet—it’s about tending to your own garden, day by day." Story: Eleanor (the woman who valued presence) spent her last months tending her small herb garden. She’d say, "I’m not doing this for the future. I’m doing it now." Her sustainability was in the act of caring, not the outcome. Common Mistake: Waiting for "someday" to "start living." Instead: "What’s one small thing I can tend to today?"

Discovering Your Compass: A Gentle, Unhurried Process

Your values aren’t found in a hurry. They’re uncovered in the quiet spaces between the noise of life—like the space between a dying person’s breaths.

The Silence Between Questions

Exercise: Sit with a cup of tea. Ask: "When did I feel most like myself this week?" Not "When did I do something great?" But when did I feel—true? Hospice Example: A man named David, dying of dementia, couldn’t remember his name. But he’d hum a song his wife used to sing. That song was his value: love. It wasn’t a word—it was the feeling he carried.

When Values Surprise You

Common Mistake: "I should value 'success,' but I don’t." Hospice Truth: Values aren’t about what you think you should value—they’re about what actually moves you. One woman realized her value was "quiet" after years of being the "life of the party." She’d say, "I need silence to breathe." That was her compass. Actionable Step: Write down three moments this week when you felt at peace. What was true in those moments? That’s your value.

Living Your Values: Small Acts, Not Grand Gestures

Living your values isn’t about perfection—it’s about noticing the gap and gently stepping back toward your center.

The Gap Between Values and Actions

Hospice Insight: "The gap isn’t failure—it’s your compass pointing you home." Story: A nurse I knew valued "kindness" but often snapped at her children. One day, she caught herself and said, "I’m not being kind right now." She paused, took a breath, and said, "I’m tired. Let’s sit together." That pause was her value in action. Actionable Step: When you feel disconnected, ask: "What value am I missing right now?" Then, one small action: "I’ll sit with my partner for five minutes without my phone."

The Myth of Perfection

Hospice Truth: Dying people didn’t say, "I wish I’d been perfect." They said, "I wish I’d been real." Common Mistake: "I failed at living my values today." Instead: "I noticed I drifted. Now I’m choosing to return." That’s living.

When Values Clash: The Real Work of Living

Values don’t always align. A man might value "family" but feel torn between his mother’s needs and his own health. In hospice, I saw this often. Hospice Example: A daughter valued "respect" for her mother’s wishes but felt trapped by her mother’s demands. She said, "I love her, but I can’t do this anymore." Her value wasn’t "respect" alone—it was respect for herself too. Actionable Step: When values clash, ask: "Which value serves the whole of me right now?" Not "Which is ‘right’?"

Your Compass Is Already Within You

Your core values aren’t something you find—they’re something you remember. They’re the quiet hum in the room when you’re finally still. They’re the reason you choose to say "I’m sorry" instead of "It’s not my fault." They’re the reason you sit with a friend’s grief instead of rushing to fix it.

Here’s what I’ve learned from the dying, and what I carry with me in my Vermont kitchen, surrounded by rescue dogs who teach me about quiet presence: - Your values aren’t a destination—they’re the path. - Living them isn’t about being "good." It’s about being true. - The most sacred moments are the ordinary ones: a shared silence, a cup of tea, a hand held in the dark.

Don’t rush. Your values will reveal themselves when you stop searching for them and start living in the space where they already live.

— Kyle Smith, sitting with what's hard